speaking of fears is really a fear in itself....no?
i am taking Kelly Rae's e-course for the next 5 weeks. and already she has given me courage to even talk about my fears and stating my goals out loud. i tend to keep my goals in the under dwellings of my soul. they are there but who am i to share them with the world? i fear if i do, i will most certainly not obtain them. why does my psyche operate this way? i'm sure others feel this too.....and its got a powerful hold over me.
kelly rae has so gently led us push the perimeter further and toe the line with our fears one at a time. she also stated that this may take some time and i can appreciate that. it doesn't happen overnight. she is so wise. i admire her openness and nurturing spirit.
something about that girl in me long ago, is struggling to be freed. i always felt, as a child, i was a big dreamer. maybe that is why i am revisiting that child as often as i can to gain access to being fearless once again. over the weekend, i had the opportunity to visit with family and they shared something i had never seen.......me on 8mm film. i was 8 or 9. we were in my granny's backyard next to the clothesline. she had bought a watermelon and everyone was anxiously awaiting a visit from our relatives during the summer. and all of a sudden....there was that girl. someone in the group said there you are!! and i was like wait...."what?!?" i entered the screen riding on my banana seat big-handle-bar bike, dismounted like a pro without stopping the bike and gave the camera a huge cheesy grin. i had on red and yellow sneakers to go with my red shorts, and black tube socks. i thought i was something!!...ha! i then proceeded to take a bite of watermelon and spit the seeds at my cousin, Shawn who was a couple years older than me.......
i then thought to myself, i sure was a go-getter and not afraid of anything!!! i then began to think, why can't i be as fearless as i once was? is it because real life gets in the way? is it because, "you can't get a job majoring in art, so you better major in something practical so that you can get a real job"...??
after graduating college my gears started to shift....i felt like there was something that i would be doing, a business that i would lead myself, but i didn't know what it was. were they not there all along? i think so. i remembering visiting the art gallery in college and thinking "i would so do this if i could make a living doing it" i was afraid of course. afraid of failure.
and here i am today, living my dream of being a full-time artist for the past 2 years. i am content, yet i'm afraid to share with you my goals and new fears as an artist. they are personal. kelly rae says that once you say them out loud, they aren't as hard to face. and i will do it but it will take a bit of time. and it isn't that i'm not happy, but striving for more has always been in blood. i think i'll take baby steps (as she suggested) and continue on from there.
me at five (and my cheesy grin)