Yesterday was a doozy of a day with my therapy session. Physically and emotional wore me out but maybe it is a good thing. I feel renewed and refreshed today. Maybe that is part of the healing.
I woke up with these words:
I am working on mothering my inner child.
I don't have to be controlled, manipulated, or have it all together.
I don't have to be the responsible one.
I don't have to be afraid all the time.
Afraid that i'm "not there" for you to confide in.
Acting as your peer at 8 years old.
I am gentle with her.
I have something inside of me that can feel loved.
I want to be protected and free to be a child.
I must give myself this gentleness and freedom.
And to just play.
I am not happy with you God that you allowed this childhood.
I must have skipped a step when declaring "this beautiful gift" of brokenness.
So perhaps a wrestle is in order. *
Maybe you will give me a new name.
A name that means Freedom.
(*inspired by scripture Genesis 32 when Jacob wrestles with God and is given a new name)
So no, I can't "be there" for anyone right now. I have much work to do on myself. Much conversation with God.
I don't want this to be what defines me anymore. It's almost as if I am "proud" that I survived it. Thanked God for the gift.
I want to be defined now through the light of Christ. I want to be held gently in His hands. I want to be in the depths of His stillness and Peace. Because that is my true self. She is 8 years old.
Standing in front of God begging him for Peace.