my heart

We lost Dudley this past Sunday morning. Saturday night he experienced a seizure that left him gasping for air and foaming at the mouth. We rushed him to the ER vet and they put him under seizure watch to see if he had another one and what exactly it looked like. They called us at 3:00 am sunday and said that he'd had another and that he was having a hard time breathing. We asked the vet if it was her dog what would she do and she said that he was suffering and to put him through surgery or anymore testing would be hard on him. We had to say goodbye. just 3 weeks after losing my Cosmo. I can't really describe these last few weeks. I think when the hurt is so bad, you instinctively turn to nature. The little becomes big. The minute, amplified.

I wrote this 2 days before we lost Dudley. To help explain my pain for losing Cosmo.
but really can you? i tried.

my heart
Alertness beckons beautifully in the mist of the unknown
with each leaf rustle, i feel the pain of letting go.
Amplified and stunning....my mind keeps repeating "no"
and it hurts like hell

It was only a few days of suffering for him
seeing him dwindle away
Life became fragile
I held him close and breathed him in
so I could take on some of his being.

to bottle it up in my lungs and repair it and breathe
it back into him.
i feel his spirit so keenly.
my body ached as if something came in and robbed it
of part of my own essence

the knowing of loss
it is not something missing
but something now embedded so deep that the
sky takes on a different kind of blue.
a blue that is so stunning and clear
that it hurts my eyes

i can still feel his fur on my cheek.
oh he is still here
a light that only flickered for a moment
until he was transformed into something brighter
than his physical presence.

for Cosmo and Dudley

my sunshine.

A beautiful gift from the talented Micki Wilde

When I opened this painting, we cried.

A perfect memory and tribute to the kid, my pood.

Thank you Micki. Words can't express how blessed I am

to hang this on his altar....

near the santa suit, green frog, poodle papers, and collar.

Ornament online workshop

I'm so excited to announce I'll be a part of Christy Tomlinson's

12 Artsy Ornaments online workshop!!

here's the project for my portion of the class....

and here is all the info written from Christy about the class:

When does it start: Tuesday December 4th

what is it: It's a Five day mini workshop. Each day for five days (tuesday-saturday) 3 new ornament/holiday projects will be posted by one of our fabulous teachers!  We will have all sorts of fun projects including ornaments, holiday decor, gift giving projects and more!  

who is involved: This workshop will include the following teachers:  Margie Romney-Aslette, Jeanne Oliver, Chrissy Gardner, Alisa Burke, Mindy Lacefield, Juliette Crane, Shea Fragoso, Debbie Murray, Junelle Jacobson and Christy Tomlinson.....

only $24.95 or if you sign up before thanksgiving weekend, its only $19.95!

Cosmo

Dudley Elf and Santa Poodle

We said goodbye to our poodle of 14 years last night. He was a tough little guy. He was diabetic for 6 and a 1/2 years.....living much longer than the average 2 years life expectancy of a diabetic diagnosis.

This is us yesterday at the end.
When I knew the decision had to be made to let him go.

I'm hurting. empty. 

numb to certain surroundings

yet some of the most minuscule are amplified

the simple is bigger. the big now small.

we grew into our own together. he loved snout kisses

barking at our neighbor dog Zeke Carlisle.

he loved watermelon 

and rides in the car.

he stood aside as Dudley rooted his way to the water bowl

patiently waiting.

He was simply the love of my life.

8/15/98 - 10/31/12

During this time, I'm taking a break from all that now seems small.....Facebook, email, twitter, etc. 

For the next few weeks, I must take this time to fully feel and grieve. I'll be deactivating my facebook account on Friday (11-2) and won't be answering emails. If you send me an email during that time please resend it in a few weeks.

Lifebook giveway WINNER announced!!

Congrats to Jane, whose favorite numbers are 3 and 8!!! you won by way of selection through a random number generator. please email me at: mlacefield13 {at} sbcglobal.net

....and i'll get you in touch with Tam at Willowing.

congrats again!! thanks to all of those who participated. I had a blast reading about all your special numbers and what they mean to you.

have a great weekend!!

xo
mindy

LifeBook GIVEAWAY!

I'm hosting a giveaway right here!

for LifeBook 2013

Registration for the highly anticipated 2nd installment of LifeBook has begun. 

I am so excited to be among the teachers sharing their expertise 

in journaling and helping you tap into what is so uniquely you. All year long

you will get instruction from a different teacher each month and at the end of the year, you will have a stunning book of so much YOU-ness and magical mixed media fun.

 I hope you'll come join us. 

To enter my giveaway, all you have to do is leave a comment here telling me

what number/numbers have special meaning to you and (if you feel comfortable)....WHY?

My special numbers are 8 and 13. 

all my close relatives have 8's in their birthday (and the lots and lots of my friends too!)

13 was my basketball number. i continue to see these two numbers pop up in my life.

please share with me yours. 

(i know this doesn't have anything to do with lifebook, but I thought I'd be fun)

I'm going to use a random number generator and announce the winner this FRIDAY!!

Eight

I find it increasingly more difficult to come here. The presence I want to embody here isn't about spelling out every detail of my life. Every motion. Every new adventure and move. The thing that is most aching to be seen, is something deeper than that. Its a little girl, who's shy. Who needs to escape from time to time. With "the facebook" as I like to call it, you can get the little glimpses into my travels and comings and goings. New art. So what is this space to me? Its something more sacred I believe. When I say it here, it better be pretty much the most ME than I can make it. This space is about the slowing down. The being still. Forget about making sense. I don't like writing that way. To give my readers everything handed to them. That's like going to watch a blockbuster summer movie. I'm more about the obscure documentary. It might even leave you hanging. I'm not sure this space (or me) is to that point yet, but that's my goal.

I'm the one who likes to talk about Stanley Kubrick. How I watched a documentary on the conspiracy theory that he in fact faked the moon landings. With his expertise in filming 2001: a space odyssey, I would hire him. Did I believe it for a day or so? Yes. Totally convinced. But I also think that Mr. Kubrick is such a genius that maybe, just maybe he wanted you to think he was hired to film and fake the moon landings. (btw, thanks Kym Stromberg for sending me the video) I would put a link to what I watched but its since been deleted. There is this though, that is coming out shortly at Sundance.
But not everyone is interested in hearing about sci-fy crap. Except when I met Lucie at art and soul portland. She and her husband and I, over a couple glasses of wine, talked Kubrick with much enthusiasm.

I am an introvert. You may not know that. I do like being around other folks. I'm a high-functioning introvert.  Sometimes a moment in solitude fills me right up. So if I seem, Not on....I'm not.

I have a thick, southern accent. When I was in Portlandia......um, I mean Portland, I visited with some doggie friends passing by and their parents said "you are a transplant". Yes, I've been mistaken for Aussie and Irish. I know you are jealous.

So I'll leave you here with a poem I wrote at the be present retreat:

Eight
this girl she.....
favors dolls and the frenzy of an arcade on a friday night.
playful quarters.
chaos swirling

she decides that playing hide and seek outside is an escape
crouching and running, she all of a sudden forgets the slamming door.
tires squealing.
screaming voices mean nothing anymore
because the air in her lungs is moving to quickly to pause and ponder

so what if i have to help momma count pennies
roll them up
counting to 50
each one smelling of dirty hands
each holding a silent heartache
the clinking sound
stacking together
until they mean that the tank is filled

the snow comes and holds there for 2 weeks
not melting before Christmas morning, I pray
i watch my little sister laugh and i somehow want to protect her
8
1982
cold

SQUAM.2

kelly, me, and jennifer at kelly's table at the Squam art fair

I wrote these words on the last full day of Squam...on the dock....after yoga.....

The moon and stars cradle us to sleep
crackling fire. scarves. trail. rocking chair
a lingering embrace
a loon's call unexpected in the middle of the day. 
two of them.
they call out to one another. 
happy.
a song only for each other.

Reaching out. 
Listening with hands on chin.
so deep. realizing that someone gets you.
in their eyes you see your own vulnerable self
you were waiting for a knowing you couldn't imagine possible
Here it is before me.
I share this time with you 
and it fills up my soul
until I feel it well up to my throat
I tell you I love you
and I've only just met you.

thank you Jennifer and Kelly. You inspire me to write. You inspire me to laugh and play. and to remember to be myself no matter what. you make it so easy to tell you I love you....